Coping with a sleep supremacist
I have a friend.
And she really likes sleep.
Not in the normal way.
Not in the “I enjoy a good night’s rest” way.
I mean she genuinely believes sleep deserves consideration before almost every major life decision.
Headache?
Sleep.
Stressed?
Sleep.
Confused?
Sleep.
Life falling apart?
Sleep.
Assignment due?
Sleep first.
Then panic later.
At first, I thought she was joking.
Then I realised she wasn’t.
Sleep is her first solution.
Sometimes her second.
Occasionally her third.
Honestly, I wouldn’t be surprised if sleep has its own reserved seat in her decision-making process.
One day I complained about being overwhelmed.
Just a normal:
“Ah, this week is doing too much.”
She looked at me and said:
“Sleep.”
That’s it.
No follow-up.
No analysis.
No motivational speech.
Just:
“Sleep.”
Another time I mentioned a headache.
Again:
“Sleep.”
I started noticing a pattern.
Every road somehow led back to a pillow.
Imagine telling somebody:
“I’m hungry.”
And they reply:
“Sleep.”
Madam.
The issue is food.
If my phone battery dies, she’ll probably tell me to sleep.
If Nigeria qualifies for the World Cup, she’ll probably celebrate by sleeping.
If aliens land tomorrow, I know exactly what her advice will be.
“Sleep first.”
The funniest part is that sometimes she’s right.
And I hate that.
Because after laughing at her advice for twenty minutes, I eventually sleep.
Then I wake up.
And somehow I feel better.
The headache reduces.
The stress isn’t as loud.
The problem remains unsolved, but now I have the emotional capacity to deal with it.
And suddenly she starts looking wise.
That’s how she gets you.
Recently I tried to threaten her.
I said:
“I’m going to write an article and debunk everything about sleep you have told me”
She replied:
“I might need to sleep to be hot with inspiration.”
I knew the conversation was over.
Because what kind of response is that? 😭
I was prepared for debate.
She was prepared for a nap.
I genuinely think if she became a therapist, every session would last three minutes.
“I’m struggling with purpose.”
“Sleep.”
“My relationship is failing.”
“Sleep.”
“I don’t know what to do with my future.”
“Sleep.”
At some point, the solution starts sounding less like advice and more like an attempt to reduce the number of conscious people in society.
But if I’m being fair, maybe that’s why sleep is so attractive.
Life is loud.
Assignments pile up.
People become stressful.
Group projects happen.
And every now and then, sleep offers something beautiful:
A timeout.
Not a solution.
Not a miracle.
Just a pause.
A few hours where emails don’t matter.
Deadlines don’t matter.
People don’t matter.
Nothing matters.
You’re simply unavailable to the world.
Maybe that’s what my friend understands better than the rest of us.
Not that sleep fixes everything.
But that sometimes you can’t fix anything properly when you’re exhausted.
Still.
There are limits.
You cannot sleep your way through an assignment.
You cannot sleep your way into passing an exam.
You cannot sleep your way into replying messages you’ve ignored for three weeks.
And if you owe me money, please don’t sleep.
Wake up immediately.
So no, I don’t think sleep fixes everything.
But according to my friend, the fact that I’m writing this article instead of sleeping is probably the reason I haven’t realised that yet 😭😭😭. And I can’t be upset her because, she’s just:
A normal human being who just has an unreasonable amount of faith in sleep.
So I’m going to tell her: atomicly iyin
“Your obsession with sleep is ridiculous… but annoyingly, you might have a point.”
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