By Farley Ledgerwood
Ever heard someone say “That’s not my problem” when a colleague mentioned they were struggling?
I have. More times than I can count during my years in the corporate world. And every time, it made the room feel just a little bit colder.
The thing about empathy is that some people genuinely lack it without even realizing they come across as emotionally detached. They’re not necessarily bad people. They just navigate the world with a different emotional compass, one that doesn’t naturally point toward understanding others’ feelings.
Through decades of workplace dynamics and personal relationships, I’ve noticed certain phrases that consistently pop up when someone struggles with empathy. These aren’t always said with malicious intent. In fact, most people who use them have no idea how harsh they sound.
Let’s dive into these phrases. You might recognize some from your own interactions, or worse, you might recognize yourself using them.
1. “You’re being too sensitive”
This phrase is the ultimate dismissal of someone’s emotional experience. When my middle child was going through anxiety and depression, I learned firsthand how devastating these words can be. They essentially tell someone their feelings don’t matter, that their emotional reactions are wrong or excessive.
People who lack empathy often can’t understand why others react emotionally to situations they find trivial. Instead of trying to understand the other person’s perspective, they label them as overly sensitive, effectively shutting down any meaningful connection.
2. “Just get over it”
Remember that homeless veteran I mentioned? Before meeting him, I might have thought people just needed to “get over” their problems and move forward. That chance encounter taught me that trauma, grief, and pain don’t operate on anyone’s timeline but their own.
When someone tells you to “just get over it,” they’re revealing their inability to sit with discomfort or acknowledge that healing takes time. They want the messy, uncomfortable emotions to disappear because they don’t know how to handle them.
3. “That’s not my problem”
I once had a boss who loved this phrase. Every time someone brought up a concern that didn’t directly affect his bottom line, out came those four words. It created a workplace where nobody felt supported and everyone operated in survival mode.
Sure, we can’t take on everyone’s problems. But when this becomes your default response, you’re building walls instead of bridges. You’re telling people that unless something directly impacts you, their struggles are irrelevant.
4. “I don’t see what the big deal is”
When my wife was battling breast cancer, someone actually said this about her concern over losing her hair. “I don’t see what the big deal is, it’ll grow back.” They couldn’t grasp that for her, it represented so much more than just hair. It was about identity, control, and dignity during a time when she felt she had none.
This phrase minimizes experiences because the speaker can’t personally relate to them. They measure everything by their own emotional yardstick without considering that others might experience things differently.
5. “You brought this on yourself”
Have you ever made a mistake and then had someone gleefully point out how it was all your fault? There’s something particularly cold about kicking someone when they’re down by reminding them of their role in their misfortune.
People without empathy often focus on blame rather than support. They’re more interested in being right than being kind. They fail to recognize that even when someone has made mistakes, they still deserve compassion.
6. “Stop being so dramatic”
This cousin of “you’re being too sensitive” serves the same purpose: invalidating someone’s emotional response. It suggests that any strong emotional expression is somehow performative or exaggerated.
What strikes me about this phrase is how it reveals the speaker’s discomfort with emotions in general. They view emotional expression as unnecessary theater rather than genuine human experience.
7. “At least you don’t have it as bad as…”
Ah, the comparison game. Someone shares their struggle, and immediately they’re told about someone who has it worse. While perspective can sometimes help, using comparisons to minimize someone’s pain shows a fundamental lack of understanding that suffering isn’t a competition.
Pain is pain. Whether you stubbed your toe or broke your leg, your pain is valid. People who constantly make these comparisons can’t hold space for others’ experiences without ranking them on some imaginary scale of suffering.
8. “Why are you making such a big deal about this?”
Questions like this aren’t really questions. They’re judgments disguised as curiosity. The person asking isn’t genuinely interested in understanding. They’ve already decided that whatever you’re upset about isn’t worth the emotional energy.
I’ve noticed that people who frequently ask this question often pride themselves on being “logical” or “rational,” as if emotions are somehow inferior ways of processing the world.
9. “I told you so”
Four words that serve no purpose except to stroke the speaker’s ego. When someone is dealing with the consequences of a decision, the last thing they need is someone pointing out their predictive superiority.
People with empathy understand that being right isn’t always the point. Sometimes, the point is being supportive, being present, being human.
10. “Everyone goes through this”
While technically true for many experiences, this phrase is often used to dismiss rather than connect. Yes, many people experience loss, heartbreak, or failure. But that doesn’t make individual pain any less valid or real.
When someone says this, they’re usually trying to normalize the experience in a way that minimizes it. Instead of acknowledging the person’s specific pain, they’re essentially saying, “Your experience isn’t special, so stop acting like it is.”
Final thoughts
Recognizing these phrases is the first step toward building better emotional connections. If you’ve used them, don’t beat yourself up. Empathy is a skill that can be developed with awareness and practice.
The goal isn’t to become an emotional sponge, absorbing everyone’s feelings. It’s about recognizing that other people’s emotional experiences are valid, even when we don’t fully understand them. Sometimes, the most empathetic thing you can say is simply, “That sounds really tough. How can I support you?”
Because at the end of the day, we’re all just trying to be understood.
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