As a certified leadership and empowerment coach, I’ve spent the last 15 years working with hundreds of Asian American clients and students from a variety of backgrounds. Even though their experiences were all different, I started seeing the same patterns of struggles.
Asian Americans are often seen as nice, polite, smart or even “cute,” but rarely as powerful, fearless or decisive. I’ve known these struggles my whole life. I’ve tried to fit into the Asian archetype of a hardworking, quiet, self-sacrificing worker, and have caught myself unnecessarily over apologizing to others out of habit.
One of the biggest issues I’ve encountered, including many of my peers of all backgrounds, is getting talked over. Here are some powerful responses to use when it happens:
1. Use the interrupter’s name
I once had a client, a young Asian American woman, who told me her co-worker (an older white man) would ask her a question, and then cut her off while she was answering his question!
We teach people how to treat us based on what we will and won’t accept. When we let people talk over us, we’re teaching them we it’s okay for them to do it, even if we’re just demurring out of politeness.
I call these offenders “power thieves” — people who repeatedly talk over you, subtly demean you, or invalidate your opinions in public.
But power can’t be taken, it can only be given away by you. And if you make it clear you’re not going to give it up, the other person will generally back down and look for someone else to take it from.
Let’s say someone is trying to talk over you in a meeting. The quickest thing to do in those moments is to call it out. Just say, “Hey [their name], I’m not done yet. I’ll come back to you in a second.”
People instinctively pause when they hear their names, and it calls the whole group’s attention to their actions. I also add the “I’ll come back to you” or “I’ll let you know when I’m done” part because it asserts you’re the one to decide when you are done, not them.
2. Stay calm, neutral and don’t apologize
In some situations, if someone has a habit of interrupting, you can just continue talking, as if you don’t hear them. If they’re particularly egregious, keep saying over them, “I’m still speaking,” “I’m not done,” or “if I may continue” in a calm, neutral tone until they get the point.
Then say, “As I was saying before the interruption,” and finish your thought. If you want to see this done like a pro, look up the video of Kamala Harris’s interaction with Mike Pence cutting her off during the 2020 Vice Presidential debate.
This might be uncomfortable to do at first, but you will get used to it quickly. If you’re on a Zoom call, you can even turn down the volume on your speakers, so you’re not as bothered by the offender’s voice.
Once you’re done, turn back to the person who was interrupting and ask, “Okay [their name], did you have something you wanted to say?” This lets them know you’re finished, but from an empowered place.
3. Engage with them one-on-one
If this happens too many times, I recommend addressing things in private: “I’m sure you didn’t mean to interrupt, but when you did, it felt like you didn’t want to hear what I was saying. I would appreciate it if you stopped interrupting.”
If they are really persistent, be more direct by saying in a firm but calm voice, “Hey [their name], this is the third time you’ve interrupted. Please stop.” Then pause for a few seconds before going back to what you were saying. If they get defensive and try to argue, you can repeat, “Just stop,” or hold up a finger until the point is clear. Once they give up, say, “As I was saying before the interruption,” and continue.
If you find there are people who do this frequently with others, call it out. Let’s say you see the interrupter cut off another co-worker. Do the same thing as above and say, “Hey [interrupter name], I believe [name of the person who was interrupted] was still speaking when you jumped in, and I’d really like to hear what they have to say.”
4. Stop ‘power thieves’ from taking undue credit
If you see someone making a suggestion, only to have a power thief make the exact same suggestion a few moments later and claim credit, you should point this out by saying, “That’s a great idea. In fact, that’s what [other person’s name] was trying to suggest before.” Or if they claim credit to your idea, you can say, “Yes, thanks [their name] for reiterating my point from earlier.”
Stopping power thieves is something we can watch for not only for ourselves, but for everyone else. You don’t need permission from the person who’s being interrupted, because it’s not just about them. You’re stopping behavior that devalues the quality of the entire meeting, which affects everyone, including you.
Of course, not everyone who interrupts others is intentionally trying to take their power. Sometimes people interrupt because they’re just too excited or eager to share, and so they can’t help themselves. You can choose to be more compassionate by softening your tone, but you still can assert your needs and expectations clearly.
John Wang is a leadership coach to the Asian American community, corporate speaker, and host of the Big Asian Energy podcast. Wang is the founder of Mastery Academy and coaches Asian American clients from Google, Apple, American Express, Goldman Sachs, and other Fortune 500 companies. His coaching videos have reached more than 25 million views on TikTok. ”Big Asian Energy″ is his first book.
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