By Lachlan Brown
With most people, selfishness is pretty easy to spot. They’re loud about it. They want the biggest slice of the pie, the attention in the room, the spotlight on their story.
But there’s another kind of selfishness—quieter, more subtle—that hides behind “good intentions” and self-image.
The people showing it often don’t even realize they’re doing it. They think they’re being fair, kind, or even selfless, but the impact tells a different story.
The truth is, selfishness isn’t just about greed or arrogance. It can show up in the way someone communicates, how they set boundaries (or don’t), and the choices they make in relationships.
If you’ve ever had a nagging feeling that someone cares more about themselves than they let on, watch for these behaviors. Here are eight signs of hidden selfishness that many people display without even knowing it.
1. They dominate conversations without noticing
We’ve all had that friend who treats every chat like their personal stage. You mention you’re tired from work, and suddenly you’re listening to a 20-minute story about their boss.
The selfishness here isn’t intentional—it’s blind. These people don’t realize they’re constantly steering conversations back to themselves.
They’re not asking questions, not holding space, and not tuning into what you’re actually saying.
I used to do this more than I’d like to admit. I thought I was “relating” by sharing my own experience, but really, I was hijacking the conversation.
It took a friend bluntly saying, “You never actually ask me how I am,” for me to see it.
Eastern philosophy often frames true listening as an act of compassion. When you stop thinking about what you’ll say next and just receive someone’s words, you dissolve your ego for a moment.
That’s presence. That’s connection.
So if someone is always pulling the spotlight back to themselves, it’s not just an annoying habit—it’s a subtle form of selfishness.
2. They give help but expect something back
On the surface, this looks generous. They’ll offer advice, lend you a hand, or cover the bill. But later, you notice there’s a string attached.
Maybe they remind you of that “favor” when they want something. Or they subtly guilt-trip you if you don’t repay it in the way they imagined.
This kind of “conditional giving” is tricky because the person usually believes they’re being kind. But it’s less about generosity and more about control. They want credit, leverage, or validation.
Buddhist teachings often warn against this disguised form of attachment. When you give while secretly keeping score, you’re feeding your ego.
Real generosity is letting go—doing something without needing recognition or repayment.
If someone always makes sure you owe them one, it’s not kindness. It’s selfishness wrapped in the packaging of generosity.
3. They struggle to respect boundaries
A classic sign of hidden selfishness? Someone who just can’t seem to take “no” gracefully.
Maybe they keep pushing when you say you’re busy. Maybe they show up uninvited, or overshare personal stuff even when it makes you uncomfortable.
In their mind, they’re being open, persistent, or just “themselves.” But what’s really happening is a disregard for your limits.
I’ve talked about this before, but boundaries are one of the clearest measures of respect. When you ignore someone else’s, you’re essentially saying: my needs matter more than yours.
The tricky part is that many people don’t think of themselves as selfish here. They’ll justify it as enthusiasm, care, or closeness.
But respecting boundaries isn’t about what you think—it’s about honoring what the other person has expressed.
Selfishness often hides in that gap between intention and impact.
4. They rarely take responsibility when things go wrong
Ever notice how some people always have a way of shifting the blame? If they’re late, it was traffic. If they snapped at you, it’s because you were being too sensitive. If a project failed, someone else dropped the ball.
This isn’t always conscious. Many people genuinely believe they’re just “explaining” the situation. But underneath, it’s an unwillingness to look at their own role in the mess.
The problem is, when you can’t take responsibility, you deny yourself growth. You stay locked in the same patterns, because you’re too busy pointing outward instead of inward.
One of Rudá Iandê’s lines that really stuck with me is: “Being human means inevitably disappointing and hurting others, and the sooner you accept this reality, the easier it becomes to navigate life’s challenges.”
That hit me hard, because it’s a reminder that we’re all flawed—and that owning our mistakes is what makes us stronger, not weaker.
Reading his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos actually inspired me to reflect on this in my own life.
I realized that half the energy I wasted on defending myself could have been saved if I’d just said, “Yeah, I messed up.” And funny enough, people respect you more when you do.
When someone refuses to see their part, it’s not just immaturity. It’s a subtle form of selfishness, because it puts their comfort above accountability.
5. They dismiss other people’s feelings
You tell them you’re upset, and instead of listening, they brush it off with a casual, “You’re overreacting.” Or you share something exciting, and they downplay it like it’s no big deal.
This might not come across as selfish at first. It can look like pragmatism, “tough love,” or just a difference in perspective. But really, it’s about centering their reality while minimizing yours.
I remember once telling a friend about a big milestone I’d reached, and his first response was, “That’s not that hard, man.”
He didn’t mean to be cruel, but in that moment, he couldn’t step outside of his own lens to see what it meant to me.
Eastern philosophy often emphasizes deep empathy as a pathway to dissolving ego.
When you validate someone’s feelings—even if you don’t fully understand them—you’re practicing presence. Ignoring or dismissing those feelings, though, is the quieter side of selfishness.
Research supports this vividly: perceived emotional invalidation is consistently linked to heightened psychological distress, even when you account for how people regulate their emotions or their intrapersonal styles.
If someone consistently makes you feel like your emotions are invalid, you’re not just dealing with insensitivity—you’re seeing another layer of hidden self-centeredness.
6. They need to control the plan
Ever noticed how some people can’t just go with the flow? Dinner plans, weekend trips, even casual hangouts—they need things to go their way.
On the surface, this might look like leadership or “being organized.” But if you look closer, it often comes from a place of ego.
They feel uncomfortable unless they’re steering the ship, because that’s when their needs are guaranteed to be met.
I’ve run into this with friends who always insist on choosing the restaurant. At first, I thought it was just enthusiasm.
But over time, I realized: if we didn’t follow their plan, they’d sulk or lose interest altogether. That’s not just planning—that’s control.
True flexibility comes from letting go of the need to dominate outcomes. As Rudá often reminds me, “Reality is more flexible than you think.” When you trust that, you stop gripping so tightly.
When someone can’t release control, it’s usually not about efficiency. It’s a quieter expression of self-interest.
7. They expect constant validation
We all like a little recognition—it feels good to be seen. But there’s a difference between enjoying appreciation and needing it to function.
Some people constantly fish for compliments, reassurance, or approval. They frame their stories so you’ll praise them. They hint at their insecurities just so you’ll soothe them. It’s subtle, but draining.
The selfish part isn’t that they want validation—it’s that they’re relying on you to supply it endlessly, without considering the emotional toll. Your role becomes caretaker for their self-esteem.
I’ve noticed this dynamic in relationships, where one person’s sense of worth depends on whether the other is cheering them on 24/7.
At first, it looks like love. But over time, it becomes clear: it’s more about filling their own emptiness than building connection.
When validation becomes a demand rather than a gift, it’s no longer about closeness. It’s a form of quiet self-absorption.
8. They rarely show genuine curiosity about others
Think about the last time someone asked you a question—not just out of politeness, but with real interest. It probably felt good, right? Like you mattered.
Now flip that. People who are stuck in hidden selfishness often skip this step entirely.
They talk plenty about themselves, but when it comes to you, the questions are shallow or absent. Even if they ask, it’s often just a setup to loop back to their own story.
This isn’t always deliberate. Many honestly don’t realize how little they engage. But the effect is the same—you feel unseen, like a background character in their movie.
Curiosity is one of the simplest ways to show care. It says, I want to know you. When someone rarely offers that, it reveals where their focus really is. And it’s usually not on you.
Final words
Selfishness doesn’t always show up in obvious ways. It’s not just greed, arrogance, or stepping on others to get ahead. More often, it’s subtle. It hides in everyday habits—how someone listens, gives, plans, or validates.
The tricky part is that many people don’t even realize they’re doing it. They might think they’re being generous, helpful, or just “honest.”
But if the impact leaves others feeling unseen, dismissed, or drained, then selfishness is at play—whether they recognize it or not.
And here’s the kicker: we’ve all done some of these things. I know I have. That doesn’t make us bad people—it makes us human. The key is noticing the patterns, questioning them, and choosing a different response.
As Rudá Iandê says in his book Laughing in the Face of Chaos, “You have both the right and responsibility to explore and try until you know yourself deeply.” That line is a reminder that self-awareness isn’t optional—it’s part of our growth.
So if you see yourself in a few of these behaviors, don’t panic. Take it as an invitation.
The more you learn to spot the subtle ways selfishness creeps in, the freer you become to build relationships grounded in respect, empathy, and authenticity.
The Expert Editor
