By AMINA OMOIKE
So I get asked this question often: ‘How can I help my child not feel the absence of his father in his / her life’? First of all, it is important to say that a single mother cannot ‘be the father’. The truth is that she is a mom! And that is her role in God’s plan of her child. But she can create a nurturing, stable, and empowering environment that helps her child grow up whole, confident, and loved.
Over my years, I haven’t met a woman who wholeheartedly chose to be a single mother. 99 percent of the time, life happens to them, and they become single mothers – through widowhood, divorce, bad choices or just life. That is my opinion, though.
So how do you move on from being a single mother? Let’s assume your baby daddy is not in the life of your child, how do you ensure your child doesn’t feel incomplete?
Just be a mom indeed to your child. Be present and emotionally available to your child. Your consistent love, support, and listening ear provide the security your child needs. Make space for your child to express feelings without shame. Don’t shy away from answering your child’s questions about his / her father. You might not tell the whole story till the child is older, but let them know – who he is, is he dead or alive, why you aren’t together. A simple ‘Mummy and Daddy were not happy together’ can suffice for now. As the child matures and understands life better, more information can be revealed.
One thing you should never do is lie to your children about their father. When the truth comes out, they might not forgive you. Avoid blaming or badmouthing their father. Bitterness can hurt a child’s identity, so just be honest, but don’t be bitter. Bitterness poisons not just you, but more your child. Children whose mothers were bitter against their fathers, grow up with unforgiveness towards their dad. Worse still, the girls might grow up to avoid getting into relationships and develop hatred for men.
My Dad passed when I was 13 and my mother was 48, so she was a rather young widow. Thankfully, my brothers were a lot older than me so they became the picture of fatherhood I knew. And it was beyond provision; it was knowing that I had male figures in my life who I had my back. I could talk to them, I knew they could protect me, I could learn from them and so on. Unfortunately, many single moms fall into the trap into believing that material things can make up for an absent dad. Children have emotions too! Children also have deep thoughts. Children also try to process what is going on in their lives – and I tell you; money can’t solve that.
As a single mom, one gift you can give your child is a strong support system. Get good male role models for your children. This is where brothers, uncles, grandfathers, and other trusted male mentors come in. They can provide encouragement, guidance, and a healthy image of manhood for your child. In Africa, we say it takes a village to raise a child. Community matters. Don’t raise your child alone when there are safe people who can help.
Don’t forget the place of God as the ultimate Father in the life of your child. Teach your child about the consistency of God’s love. His presence is always around us and shows us what real Fatherhood is. This can help your children heal emotional gaps and build inner strength and identity.
Let your child learn emotional intelligence, resilience, and self-worth. Give them confidence in their story – not as someone who ‘lacked a dad’, but as someone who was raised with strength and purpose.
And for you the single mom, remember what I always say – a strong, sane and healthy mom creates a strong foundation for her children. Take care of your mental, physical, and spiritual health — your child learns by watching you thrive.
No doubt, it is powerful to have your child’s father present in his / her life but a mother’s unwavering love, strength, and intentional parenting is also important.
Single moms don’t replace fathers, but they can rise in courage and build something whole from what was broken.
