You know that moment when you realize you’ve been carrying someone else’s luggage for the past twenty years?
That hit me at 47, standing in my driveway after another exhausting dinner with a friend who spent three hours complaining about the same problems he’d been having since college.
Never once asked how I was doing.
I sat in my car afterwards, completely drained, and thought: Why am I still doing this?
That night marked the beginning of a shift that would take years to fully unfold.
By the time you hit your 40s and 50s, something changes.
The currency of your life stops being time and starts being energy.
Suddenly, you realize just how much of that precious energy you’ve been hemorrhaging on things that don’t deserve it.
Here are eight things that people with strong self-respect finally stop doing when they reach this stage of life.
- Seeking approval from people who don’t matter
Remember being devastated when someone you barely knew didn’t like you?
Yeah, that stops.
In 35 years at my old company, I won Employee of the Month exactly once.
Once.
And for years, that bothered me more than I’d like to admit.
I’d watch other people get recognized month after month, wondering what magic formula they’d discovered.
Then somewhere around 48, it clicked: I was performing for an audience that wasn’t even watching.
The executives making those decisions? They couldn’t pick me out of a lineup.
Meanwhile, my actual team respected my work, my family appreciated my presence at home, and my real friends valued my company.
The approval that matters comes from people who actually know you.
Everyone else? Background noise.
2. Maintaining friendships that feel like work
Ever notice how some friendships feel like you’re constantly pushing a boulder uphill?
That friend I mentioned earlier? We’d known each other for 25 years, but every interaction left me exhausted.
He never remembered anything about my life, never followed up on things I’d shared, never offered support when I needed it.
The friendship was a one-way energy transfer, and I was always on the giving end.
Ending that friendship in my 50s was one of the hardest and best decisions I’ve made.
Real friendship shouldn’t feel like a part-time job you hate.
3. Apologizing for having boundaries
“Sorry, but I can’t make it to your event.”
“Sorry, but I need to leave by 8.”
“Sorry, but I don’t lend money.”
Sound familiar?
That constant apologizing for perfectly reasonable boundaries is exhausting. And completely unnecessary.
Now when I set a boundary, I just set it.
“I can’t make it to your event,” no lengthy explanations or guilt-driven justifications.
People with self-respect understand that their boundaries aren’t up for negotiation, and they definitely don’t require an apology.
4. Pretending to care about things they don’t
Remember pretending to be fascinated by your neighbor’s detailed account of their kitchen renovation? Or feigning interest in office gossip that bored you to tears?
At some point, you realize that polite disengagement is perfectly acceptable.
You don’t need to perform enthusiasm for every topic that comes your way.
A simple “That’s nice,” or redirecting the conversation saves everyone time and preserves your sanity.
Life’s too short to fake interest in things that genuinely don’t matter to you.
5. Keeping their struggles secret to appear strong
This one nearly cost me my marriage.
In my 40s, my wife and I went through counseling.
For months before that, I’d been white-knuckling through our problems, convinced that admitting we needed help was somehow a failure.
That keeping up appearances was more important than actually fixing what was broken.
The counselor said something that stuck: “Vulnerability isn’t weakness. Pretending you don’t need help when you’re drowning? That’s weakness.”
People with genuine self-respect know that asking for help, sharing struggles, and showing vulnerability are signs of strength, not weakness.
They’ve learned that the facade of having it all together impresses no one and helps nothing.
6. Saying yes when they mean no
“Can you help me move next weekend?”
“Want to join our committee?”
“Mind if I crash at your place for a few weeks?”
In my 30s, these questions triggered an automatic yes, followed immediately by regret and resentment.
Now? If I don’t want to do something, I simply don’t do it.
This is about recognizing that every yes to one thing is a no to something else.
Too often, we’re saying no to ourselves, our rest, our priorities, to accommodate requests we never wanted to fulfill in the first place.
7. Trying to change people who don’t want to change
How many hours have you spent trying to convince someone to see things differently? To make better choices? To finally get their act together?
I spent years trying to help a family member who constantly created crisis after crisis: Offering advice, lending money, and spending entire weekends helping them sort through their latest disaster.
Nothing changed, ever.
The brutal truth? People change when they want to change, not when you want them to.
All that energy you’re pouring into fixing someone else’s life? It’s going straight into a black hole.
8. Comparing their journey to others
Social media makes this one particularly brutal, everyone’s highlight reel makes your behind-the-scenes look shabby.
But here’s what I’ve learned: Comparison is a game where everyone loses.
That colleague who seems to have it all together? They might be falling apart inside.
The friend with the perfect family photos? You don’t see what happens after the camera stops rolling.
When my wife and I nearly divorced in my early 50s, from the outside we probably looked fine.
We were posting photos, attending events, keeping up appearances.
Meanwhile, we were in crisis: We worked through it, but it taught me that comparing your real life to someone else’s public presentation is delusional.
Your journey is yours, and their journey is theirs.
The only comparison that matters is whether you’re better than you were yesterday.
Final thoughts
The beautiful thing about reaching your 40s and 50s is that the approval you’ve been seeking your whole life finally comes from the right source: Yourself.
You stop bleeding energy on things that don’t serve you, stop apologizing for being human, and stop pretending, performing, and people-pleasing your way through life.
This is about finally understanding that you can’t pour from an empty cup.
When you respect yourself enough to protect your energy, you have more to give to the people and causes that truly matter.
The cost of maintaining facades, toxic relationships, and others’ expectations?
It’s just too high, and life’s too short to keep paying it.
The Expert Editor
