By Farley Ledgerwood
Respect isn’t automatic.
Not in families. Not over time.
You can love your parents—and still struggle to look up to them.
I’ve seen it happen more times than I can count.
Parents who thought they were doing their best, only to realize, years later, that their children kept a quiet emotional distance.
Not because they didn’t care—but because somewhere along the way, respect got chipped away.
Here are 10 things I’ve seen parents do—often without meaning to—that make it hard for their kids to truly respect them later in life.
1. Preaching values they don’t live by
There’s nothing that turns a kid off faster than hypocrisy.
Telling them to be honest while lying to others.
Preaching kindness while yelling at waitstaff.
Saying “treat people how you want to be treated” but gossiping behind closed doors.
Kids might not say anything in the moment, but they see it.
And as they get older, they start to separate the talk from the truth.
And that’s when respect starts to fade.
2. Never admitting when they’re wrong
Some parents treat every mistake like a threat to their authority.
But the truth is, the most powerful words a parent can say are, “I was wrong. I’m sorry.”
It doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.
Children who grow up hearing that from their parents learn how to own their faults.
Children who never hear it? They grow up resenting the silence.
3. Controlling every decision
When a child isn’t allowed to think for themselves—about clothes, friends, hobbies, even minor choices—it chips away at their sense of identity.
Parents who micromanage usually think they’re protecting their child.
But what they’re really doing is communicating, “I don’t trust you.”
And when that child grows up? That control often turns into bitterness.
Not because they wanted to rebel—but because they were never allowed to be.
4. Using guilt to control behavior
“If you loved me, you’d do this.”
“After everything I’ve done for you…”
“I guess I’m just the bad guy again.”
These are not tools for connection.
They’re emotional traps.
When love is tied to obligation, children learn that their feelings don’t matter as much as their parents’ comfort.
Respect grows when people feel free.
Guilt smothers that freedom—and with it, the chance for a strong relationship.
5. Dismissing or mocking their emotions
Telling your kid “you’re overreacting,” “that’s not a big deal,” or “you’re being dramatic” teaches them that their feelings aren’t valid.
And let me tell you—kids remember that.
Years later, they may not recall the argument itself, but they’ll remember how small they felt.
How quickly they shut down.
How they stopped coming to you when things got hard.
Respect fades when empathy is absent.
6. Never showing vulnerability
Some parents think they have to be bulletproof.
Never cry. Never doubt. Never admit they’re scared.
But children don’t need perfect parents.
They need authentic ones.
A parent who shares real emotions, who admits when life is hard—that’s a parent who earns long-term respect.
Because they’re not hiding behind the role.
They’re showing up as a whole person.
7. Constantly comparing them to others
“Why can’t you be more like your brother?”
“Your cousin got straight A’s—what happened with you?”
“She never talks back to her mother.”
Comparison doesn’t motivate. It demoralizes.
And when that’s the pattern, kids stop trying to earn your approval and start bracing for disappointment.
Over time, they may stop listening altogether—not out of spite, but out of quiet hurt.
8. Making love feel conditional
When praise only comes after achievement—and love feels earned, not given—children learn that their worth is tied to performance.
That kind of parenting might produce obedient kids.
But it doesn’t produce confident adults.
Respect comes when a child knows, deep down, that they’re loved even when they mess up.
Even when they fail.
Even when they’re not at their best.
Anything less builds walls instead of connection.
9. Refusing to grow or change
The world changes. So do people.
But some parents dig their heels in and refuse to grow.
They won’t adapt. Won’t apologize for outdated views. Won’t listen to their adult children’s perspectives.
And while they may demand respect, they don’t earn it—because they’re more committed to being “right” than being in relationship.
Staying stuck may preserve pride, but it comes at the cost of connection.
10. Dismissing the child’s adulthood
This one shows up in little ways.
Refusing to call them by their preferred name.
Criticizing their career path.
Telling them how to raise their own kids—uninvited.
When a parent refuses to acknowledge that their child is now an adult, with their own values and boundaries, it doesn’t come across as love.
It comes across as disrespect.
And when respect doesn’t flow both ways, the relationship suffers.
When it hit me personally
A few years ago, I was chatting with a friend who had stopped talking to his father. Completely.
They hadn’t spoken in over a year.
When I asked what happened, he said, “It wasn’t one thing. It was a hundred little things that made me feel like I was never enough.”
He told me, “He never once said he was proud of me. Not when I graduated. Not when I bought my house. Not even when I had kids.”
I sat with that for a while. Because I knew his father.
A good man. Hardworking. Provided for his family. But never quite knew how to show up emotionally.
And that’s what struck me: doing your duty as a parent doesn’t automatically earn you respect later in life.
You have to connect. You have to see your child—not just raise them.
Final thought
Parenting is hard. No one gets it perfect. And most of us are doing the best we can with what we were taught.
But if you want your children to not just love you—but respect you as they grow—then it’s worth reflecting.
Are you leading with empathy?
Are you listening more than lecturing?
Are you showing up as a human, not just a role?
Respect isn’t owed—it’s earned.
And the good news? It’s never too late to start earning it.
Global English Editing
